7 Ways to Stop Comparing Ourselves

Do you always compare yourself with others? Is the phrase “neighbor's grass is always greener” has always been your go-to phrase? Fret not (or should you)! Because you’re not the only one in this world!

Realize it or not, this is something that most of us do on a daily basis regardless of what other people say about us.

2 Categories of Comparison

Let’s dig deep to know more about types of comparisons in general. Comparisons are divided into 2 categories, which are upward and downward comparison.

Upward comparison is to compare ourselves to someone we perceived to be better than us. It is the type of comparison that people do the most.

While downward comparison lets us compare ourselves to someone we perceived to be less off than us. Often, we do this type of comparison out of neglect or when we are looking down on others. Downward comparison gives us the birds eye’s perspective, where we see ourselves at a higher position than our subject of comparison.

Negative Effects of Comparisons

What effect does comparison do to us? Does it only wastes our time and bear negative effect at all times? Sometimes we feel like we know well the costs of doing this activity, yet it is just hard to prevent ourselves from comparing.

According to an article written by Kathy Caprino for Forbes.com, comparison goes wrong when:

It becomes an obsessive comparing

It is when you just can’t stop comparing yourselves, it became an addiction. Something that is done too much has never been a good thing, the same thing goes to the habit of comparing ourselves to others.

This would lead to destructive beliefs, such as not having good friends whom are ‘amazing enough’ to do fun activities with or not rich /beautiful /slim /fat enough to be lovable. Keeping the list long would only highlight our weaknesses or something we don’t have rather than spending our time for better things.

You have ‘Less Than’ Mentality

I promise you, comparing ourselves to others will have no ends. As soon as people start comparing, they’ll feel depressed and demoralized. The feeling of always falling short of others usually comes from inside belief that says we’re not good enough. If you keep this habit in the long term, it will eventually decrease your confidence and self esteem. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

In 2008, Dr. Sarah Brosnan did an experiment on fairness where 2 monkeys placed side by side and were given a task to hand the scientist a pebble. In exchange for doing it right, one of the monkeys was rewarded with cucumber. This monkey received it happily until it noticed that the other monkey got a grape, which is sweeter and better treat. This monkey was annoyed and threw the cucumber back at the scientist. Now instead of enjoying the cucumber, that monkey prefers to get nothing at all because of its jealousy towards the other monkey. This experiment really shows that comparison can be the thief of joy.

These days, the world we’re living in has trained us to compare ourselves based on our outer core and to something that is tangible, including beauty, age, weight or wealth. We need to understand that the sky never has a limit, and none of these things would ever be good enough for us at the end of the day.

Jay Shetty is an Award-Winning Storyteller, Podcaster, and former monk who is making wisdom go viral. In his podcast, he shared these 7 life-changing ways that could stop us from comparing ourselves. Those are:

1. Define what success and happiness mean to you

We tend to compare ourselves when we don’t know what we stand for. Now I want you to do this exercise: on your note, define what success means to you. Take some time to think on the things that makes you genuinely happy and satisfied. Be sure to be specific enough in your definition of success physically, financially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You can start by determining what’s your purpose in life and what are your goals for the short and long term.

When you don't have your own definition of success, you'll tend to steal others' and make it yours. Every single person on this earth was created differently, and so does their understanding of success according to their own capacity. When you focus on what you’re looking for, you’ll eventually have a more meaningful life. Hence, give up those false desires and focus on your own path to success.

As an example, you envy one of your peers that produce more money than you and both of you started your career at around the same time. You’ll never know what’s behind all those money to begin with. They might be working twice as hard to achieve this state or suffering under a very strict supervisor. You can have a more meaningful job yet producing less money than your peers. Or, you can make more money but it is not something that you like or you might not have leisure time because of your workloads.

2. Discover your strengths

Realize it or not, we often compare our weaknesses with other people’s strengths. To bring it to the extreme, there’s no way you can compare your 1-year-of-learning-guitar with Sung Ha Jung, the famous musician who specializes in fingerstyle guitar. The opposite applies, you can’t compare your ability in operating a business with someone who barely had an experience in it. If you want an apple to apple comparison, you should match your strengths to other people’s.

Several ways you can do to discover your strengths are through StrengthsFinder assessment and reflected best self exercise. StrengthsFinder is an online method to assess your strengths through a talent assessment and a personalized report. It helps you to learn more about your strengths and unique talent DNA. Secondly, reflected best self exercise is another life-changing method. It needs you to ask 10-20 people who knows you well to write a story about you when you are at your best. Try to look at the pattern amongst these stories of others, then you’ll be able to identify the things you’re good at.

After knowing your strengths, create your own profile based on these experiments. The most important part is to focus on your strengths and put these into practice. When we are aware of our strengths, not only do we feel more confident, but also we value others’ strengths as well. However, this might not cease you from comparing, but rather it helps you to know your place and your own capacity. So, instead of having unrealistic subject of comparison, you decrease your scale of comparison to those who have the same capacity as you.

3. Study People’s pains

Deeply study people’s struggles by having real conversations with them. You can’t assume that all people think and act the same way as you do, and that’s what makes us different.

Study these from the people you look up to, and this is where upwards comparison comes into play. Be open-minded and learn the efforts these people put behind their every success. Comparing ourselves to others won’t bring you anywhere. Instead, get yourselves a starting point rather than letting yourselves fall into the trap of comparison.

4. Collaborate, don’t compete

If Apple can collaborate with Google on technology, so can the rest of the world. I am not against competition as I know it could be a good force to keep you running towards your goal. But there is something about turning competition into collaboration. Instead of fighting against the same target market, collaborate and penetrate the market all at once.

Let us take a look at these big fast food chains in Argentina, Burger King and McDonalds. The campaign ‘A Day Without Whooper’ removes Burger King’s signature sandwich from their menu on that day, and encourage the burger lovers to head over to McDonalds to help support the cancer initiative. This bold campaign successfully got a lot of people talking about Burger King for their nobel act for sure. Moreover, it touches people’s heart, leading to more engagements and ultimately more customers. You’ll be surprised what you can achieve when you decide to collaborate instead of compete.

5. Always being a student!

Learning is a process of growing, there are always new skills to learn and techniques for us to adopt. When you look at the most successful people in the world, they understand this the best. As a proof, Warren Buffet spends most of his time reading. The best entrepreneurs in the world don't act like they know everything, in fact, they feel the urge to continuously learn.

Being a student means to have a teachable heart and increase your capacity over time. Brian Herbert once said, “The capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice”. Success is a result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure. Instead of complaining about how they are performing better than you, think of the whys and hows. Think of what are the things you could learn from them and the things they do differently. Personally, one effective way for me to learn is through the scientists’ style-trial and error method. I did research of the stories I read on the internet, tried it out then see whether it works well, and take note on the things to improve.

6. Do small things with a big heart.

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”-Mother Theresa. When a small act is performed with a big heart, it becomes huge. Huge to the person sharing the love, huge to the person receiving, and huge to someone who happens to witness the exchange. Something that is done with a big heart would not only result better, but it will also give you a nudge of confidence.

Just remember that when you feel small and insignificant compared to others, be grateful. Say it out loud if needed! Word of gratification does a very significant part of your mind. Constantly remind yourself to faithfully doing something with a big heart until it becomes a habit.

7. Do something we’ve been putting off for a while.

There are thousands and billions of reasons why we could put something off. You know the type: It’s something you have anxiety about even after leaving the office, and you’re making it worse the longer you put it off. In an article written by Tim Herrera for The New York Times, psychologists call this kind of avoidance self-sabotage: It’s when we put off or ignore a situation or task to our own detriment because doing it would force us to confront our fears or anxieties.

Picking up these things you’ve been putting off would add a boost to your confidence. The opposite applies as well, you’ll tend to look down on yourselves when you keep on postponing your duties. When we keep on procrastinating to finish things, we tend to become less confident and insecure about ourselves.

However, please don’t beat yourselves too hard for all the comparison you’ve committed. Comparison is not always a bad thing. It can give us a feeling that we can do greater things by exercising a positive and healthy upwards comparison. Witnessing someone else’s growth reminds you that you have what it takes too, to achieve that same outcome or accomplishment. With the right role model, you can have a clearer pathway to success instead of having you experimenting from zero.

Share this article so that you could refer to this list in case you start to lose it. I’m ending this article by one powerful quotes : The only person you should try to be better than, is who you were yesterday.

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